Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.