Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
how high up are we talkin’?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Squirrels before girls.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this