I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
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The Weeknd is back
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now