too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids