My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
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The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.