Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
when you order from DoorDastardly
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.