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If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
mood
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*