Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
that’s really how it is
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I bet birds love this building.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!