5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Oh no
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
when you don’t want to be too vague
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?