[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Close call…
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water