Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Important reminders
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it