Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
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Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)