I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

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Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*


God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then


Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”


Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free


I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.


Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.


the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish