I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.