Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?