I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up