Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*puts cutlery down*
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t