People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*