every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.