“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
channeling her this year
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.