nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
You Might Also Like
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Is this you?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
cat vs inanimate object
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.