nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
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If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.