I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous