[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
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sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.