you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
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Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is