Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job