“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.