Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Every BBC series about the universe.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me