Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that