Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
This January has 47 Mondays
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.