At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Selfie
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”