I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
God, I love Scotland
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.