First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
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I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there