WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
the three genders
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.