I bet birds love this building.
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Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Just as the prophecy foretold
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared