People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
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You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Whoa… oh I see lol
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me trying to look natural in photos
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM