How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time