How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.