As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
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My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Somebody call the cops.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Skills
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))