I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Vodka burrito was a success
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers