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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*