Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!