4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
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Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”