My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…