My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
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There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
We need more people like this.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.