When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good