I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
This came to me in a dream.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Monday Lisa
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think