“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that