“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*