“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water