me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.