Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
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The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.