me adding lol on a serious message
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms