With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
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HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
incredible text to wake up to
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”