incredible text to wake up to
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FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot