I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
You Might Also Like
Unimpressed
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
🤯🤯🤯
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance